...and by some stroke of luck, I've been given the MOST annoying aunt of the planet. No lie. Let me preface this by stating that she is schizophrenic, and therefore is not your "typical" aunt. In fact, just about everything she does drives me crazy. This year, to prevent myself from becoming rude or angry, I decided to write down everything that annoyed me rather than lashing out at her. I ended up with a nice little list...
Reasons why my aunt drives me nuts:
- Every time I enter a room, she says “hi.” It doesn’t matter if I’ve been away for 1 minute or one hour, she still says, “hi.”
- Every time I sit down, she says, “hi,” too. Even if I just get up to go to the fridge to get a soda. “Hi.” I am at the point where I want to tell her that she can take her “hi’s” and shove them up her ass.
- My aunt rarely showers – rarely as in maybe 2x a week. She’s like 50. She’s stinky.
- Ever since I was a small child, I have had a problem listening to chewing noises and people who smack their food. It drives me absolutely crazy. Of course, you guessed it - my aunt chews with her mouth open and smacks her food, all while inhaling and making these disgusting wheezing sounds. She could prevent all of this simply by chewing with her mouth closed, but does she?? OH NO! Today we had eggs for breakfast, which are especially excruciating to watch and hear. She scarfs them up like someone is going to take them away, all the while making these disgusting slobbery slurping chewing noises. Generally, she ends up with chewed up egg on her lips and face. It’s GROSS! Today she ate about 6 eggs-worth of scrambled eggs, half the package of bacon, and 4 pieces of toast. Oh, and 4 glasses of Vitamin D milk. And that was all in one sitting.
- After breakfast, but before she has had a chance to remove the little yellow egg remnants from her face, she feels compelled to give me a kiss. She’s one of those crazies that kiss you on the lips. I felt like a little bird whose momma chewed up the worm for me and was trying to feed me (but in this case, it was scrambled egg). This so grosses me out. But what do you do? She’s schizo. She can’t help it, right?
INTERMISSION: You can see why I don’t go to church, right? I mean, why bother? Clearly I’m going to hell for feeling this way and writing about it. Why waste 52 hours a year?
- My aunt has this bizarre friend named Terry. He’s from Memphis and talks like he was raised on a plantation. He’s schizo, too, but he was smart and took his meds, so he’s a little more normal, although still somewhat “different.” Today, while eating pizza, he proclaimed: “This pizza reminds me of Friday nights in college, when…” Now keep in mind that I was expecting something cool like, “…when I’d eat pizza and do shots with the boys,” or “eat pizza, tap a keg, and run nekkid through the quad,” but what he said was: … “when I’d eat pizza and watch Star Trek.” I about lost it. I thought this was so freaking hilarious – I seriously couldn’t stop laughing. They kept asking me what was so funny, and I just lied and said my nose was itching and I just KNEW someone was talking about me. Sometimes I swear I can be so freaking immature! I was seriously embarrassed for myself and my bad behavior, but I kept laughing anyway.
- My aunt is fixated with church. Everything she thinks and does evolves around her church. Today she invited me to join her at the evening service at her church, but I told her that I pray to St. Mattress and that I didn’t need to go. She didn’t get it.
- She snores and whines in her sleep. It’s HORRIBLE. I am three rooms away and I can still hear it. The whining is exceptionally bad. She sleeps until grandpa yells, “Wake up, it’s breakfast time.” Then, as though someone lit a fire under her ass, she springs right up and comes to life. She joins us at the table and starts shoveling food into her mouth – I seriously want to ask her if she needs a shovel, or better yet, a front –end loader.
- My aunt has a nasal drip issue. Snot just drips out of her nose. Sometimes she wipes it off, and sometimes she lets it dry and encrust her nose. Once it’s crusty, she generally just leaves it there, although sometimes she decides to stick her finger up there and pick it off. I can guarantee that when she picks it off, she will manage to cross-contaminate something. Today, for example, after scraping yellow crusty boogers off her nose, she grabbed a piece of pizza. I seriously wanted to barf. No more pizza for me – I’ve been exiled to the prime rib and turkey, thankyouverymuch.