Any devoted followers of this blog are well aware that I, the lovely Nibs, gave up Match.com for Lent.
So I'm nearly to that precious 2 week mark, and I'm just beginning to realize how much that stupid site had taken over my life. Match.com and I had the most co-dependent relationship imaginable, and it needed to stop. A discussion with my friend David over the weekend confirmed this. The poignant moment: when David told me "I just felt so pathetic and desperate reactivating my profile. And there's just soooooo many single women - it didn't make me happy at all. It made me sad. Sad for me, sad for them, sad for all these single people. Sad that it's come down to this - picking through profiles and photos on the internet. It doesn't get much more desperate than that."
I have to say that I agree. Of the over 180 people I have met out, I've only had a few relationships that materialized into much of anything. I think it's because it's so easy to fake who and what you are when you have soooo much information about someone at your fingertips. I've been on both sides of that fence, not that I am proud of that or anything, and I know it's time for it all to end.
So, I changed my match.com profile yet again:
It all started when I decided to give up match for Lent...
...and then I realized that perhaps I should give it up altogether.
I know the internet is supposed to be bringing people closer, but I don't believe it for a second. I think it's turning people into shut-ins at an alarming rate. I also believe it is making extroverted people more introverted. I can't tell you how many of my once social friends now prefer to sit at home on the internet viewing personals rather than going out to meet people. The excuse: I'm over the bar scene. The reality: there is a generalized internet-driven lack of confidence in this city. I mean, why approach an attractive stranger in public when you can:
1. Post an ad on Craigslist Missed Connections with said person's description, location of the sighting, and your personal intention
2. Cruise match, friendster, yahoo personals, or myspace for their profile, then send an email (we've all done this)
3. Go home and pray that the person you saw, on a whim, was felt the same attraction and is therefore cruising match, friendster, yahoo personals, or myspace for my profile
The CDC should be focusing on the Internet as the latest health nuisance. No wonder there is an obesity problem in the US – people are glued to their pc's, looking for love, for friends, missed connections, reading blogs, while sitting in front of the tv, shoveling chips/popcorn/snacks into their mouths…
Such a travesty, really.
So, if you see someone in the park/bar/airport/grocery store, and you think they look like someone you want to know, then why not just go up to that person and introduce yourself? And who knows, maybe it will be me.
Okay – today is the first day of Lent, and good Catholic that I am (NOT), I have thought long and hard about what kind of Lenten sacrifice I should make. I mean, it has to be something I can ACTUALLY do because I don’t want a first class ticket on the Hell Train for failure to comply, you know?
That said, I have decided to give up match.com for Lent! That’s right – 40 days and 40 nights of sacrifice! Given that I have quit and later rejoined match over 36 times over the course of 3 years, I think this will truly be a test of my will and determination.
Now, if you ask me, it’s not me who is suffering, rather, it is all my potential suitors who will bear the misery of a life without Greyhound_Girl for the entire Lenten season... But really, I’m not sure I can go without logging into good old matcheroo to cruise for guys. Who is going to keep me from embarking on one of my infamous random drunk winking sprees??? Oh, the torture of it all!!!!!!
The birds and the bees, the flowers and the trees...
My 10 year old niece had "the talk" at school recently - you know, the one about penises and vaginas and stuff. Well, she was seriously traumatized by the whole thing, and couldn't wait to talk to me about it and share with me everything that she learned:
1. She told me that she now knows how her babysitter got pregnant.
2. She explained that when mommy and daddy go on vacation, she knows what they are doing in the hotel room.
3. She told me that when girls get their periods, they get a lot of attitude (or they cry a lot). She mentioned that her friend Joey didn't want her to have an attitude so she hopes she doesn't get her period.
4. She told me that her teacher didn't do a good job of drawing fallopian tubes.
5. She told me that all of this talk about sex was making her tired (hon, wait until you're 30 and you'll have more sexual energy than you can imagine).
6. She said she was having trouble picturing what boys do with their "you know what."
Of course, I'm laughing my ass off, and she keeps telling me, "Auntie Mimi - this isn't funny. This is serious. You shouldn't be laughing..."
Ah, yes, I went to yet another dull meeting today. The topic of said meeting was "Icebreakers." My team was to develop a series of icebreakers for training sessions, and then was to create a powerpoint presentation.
I started out by taking serious notes - really, I did! Take notice of the Map and Candy listed at the top. Both were ideas that were submitted as icebreakers. These were followed by KWL, which had 3 branches - Know, Want to Know, and Learn. Once I drew the lines, all I saw was an iceberg and as the meeting dragged on and on AND ON, I lost track of the topic and let my mind wander...
My pathetic attempt at drawing a whale can be seen in the lower right corner. I'm no Jim Davis, that's for certain!
Last Friday, we had a pretty intense meeting. My manager, M, and a coworker, K were GOING AT IT!!!! It was the third time in a week! Boy, did I feel like I was at a tennis match - my head was whipping back and forth as they hurled insults and accusations at each other. God, it was soooo exciting!!!
Anyway, in light of the recent political cartoons, I decided to draw one of my own. The topic, of course, being our Friday meeting. If you ask me, I think it's kinda cute!!!
You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family...
...and by some stroke of luck, I've been given the MOST annoying aunt of the planet. No lie. Let me preface this by stating that she is schizophrenic, and therefore is not your "typical" aunt. In fact, just about everything she does drives me crazy. This year, to prevent myself from becoming rude or angry, I decided to write down everything that annoyed me rather than lashing out at her. I ended up with a nice little list...
Reasons why my aunt drives me nuts:
Every time I enter a room, she says “hi.”It doesn’t matter if I’ve been away for 1 minute or one hour, she still says, “hi.”
Every time I sit down, she says, “hi,” too.Even if I just get up to go to the fridge to get a soda. “Hi.”I am at the point where I want to tell her that she can take her “hi’s” and shove them up her ass.
My aunt rarely showers – rarely as in maybe 2x a week.She’s like 50.She’s stinky.
Ever since I was a small child, I have had a problem listening to chewing noises and people who smack their food.It drives me absolutely crazy.Of course, you guessed it- my aunt chews with her mouth open and smacks her food, all while inhaling and making these disgusting wheezing sounds.She could prevent all of this simply by chewing with her mouth closed, but does she??OH NO!Today we had eggs for breakfast, which are especially excruciating to watch and hear.She scarfs them up like someone is going to take them away, all the while making these disgusting slobbery slurping chewing noises.Generally, she ends up with chewed up egg on her lips and face.It’s GROSS!Today she ate about 6 eggs-worth of scrambled eggs, half the package of bacon, and 4 pieces of toast.Oh, and 4 glasses of Vitamin D milk.And that was all in one sitting.
After breakfast, but before she has had a chance to remove the little yellow egg remnants from her face, she feels compelled to give me a kiss.She’s one of those crazies that kiss you on the lips.I felt like a little bird whose momma chewed up the worm for me and was trying to feed me (but in this case, it was scrambled egg).This so grosses me out.But what do you do?She’s schizo.She can’t help it, right?
INTERMISSION:You can see why I don’t go to church, right?I mean, why bother?Clearly I’m going to hell for feeling this way and writing about it.Why waste 52 hours a year?
My aunt has this bizarre friend named Terry.He’s from Memphis and talks like he was raised on a plantation. He’s schizo, too, but he was smart and took his meds, so he’s a little more normal, although still somewhat “different.” Today, while eating pizza, he proclaimed: “This pizza reminds me of Friday nights in college, when…”Now keep in mind that I was expecting something cool like, “…when I’d eat pizza and do shots with the boys,” or “eat pizza, tap a keg, and run nekkid through the quad,” but what he said was: … “when I’d eat pizza and watch Star Trek.”I about lost it.I thought this was so freaking hilarious – I seriously couldn’t stop laughing.They kept asking me what was so funny, and I just lied and said my nose was itching and I just KNEW someone was talking about me.Sometimes I swear I can be so freaking immature!I was seriously embarrassed for myself and my bad behavior, but I kept laughing anyway.
My aunt is fixated with church.Everything she thinks and does evolves around her church.Today she invited me to join her at the evening service at her church, but I told her that I pray to St. Mattress and that I didn’t need to go.She didn’t get it.
She snores and whines in her sleep.It’s HORRIBLE.I am three rooms away and I can still hear it.The whining is exceptionally bad.She sleeps until grandpa yells, “Wake up, it’s breakfast time.” Then, as though someone lit a fire under her ass, she springs right up and comes to life.She joins us at the table and starts shoveling food into her mouth – I seriously want to ask her if she needs a shovel, or better yet, a front –end loader.
My aunt has a nasal drip issue.Snot just drips out of her nose.Sometimes she wipes it off, and sometimes she lets it dry and encrust her nose. Once it’s crusty, she generally just leaves it there, although sometimes she decides to stick her finger up there and pick it off.I can guarantee that when she picks it off, she will manage to cross-contaminate something.Today, for example, after scraping yellow crusty boogers off her nose, she grabbed a piece of pizza.I seriously wanted to barf.No more pizza for me – I’ve been exiled to the prime rib and turkey, thankyouverymuch.
Aparently the bums on P'tree didn't like my Rum Balls
As I was walking out the gate to take Zoe on her morning walk, I noticed a bum standing on the sidewalk. He was stopped dead in his tracks, and he was staring at me as though he could see right through to my soul. He looked zombified, actually - the whites of his eyes were exceptionally noticeable against his chocolate skin. It was creepy.
He mumbled something to me that was completely indecipherable, and I recall furrowing my brow, raising an eyebrow, and asking him, "HUH?"
So, he repeated himself, "That nasty. I don't want any of that." and he backed away from me as though he was afraid. He took one last empty look at me, then walked away.
Now, I was dumbfounded. What the hell was this dude talking about? Was he talking about Zoe and the fact that she's too skinny to eat? Was he trying to tell me he didn't find me attractive? Was he talking about all the dog shit on the ground (after all, it was the dog walking area).
After about 5 minutes it dawned on me - he was one of the guys from my rum ball walk the other night. I guess he didn't like his little treat? I guess next year I'll have to try passing out something more bum-friendly, like mini bottles of Jack Daniels...
Proving once again that you can't judge a book by its cover...
I have made rum balls every day this week. Trust me when I say they are pretty damned good, too. Coworker Jeff thought it would be nice for me to share my latest culinary success with some of the homeless folks in our 'hood. Now, under normal circumstances, I would never do anything to encourage any kind of loitering in the Midtown residential district, but it is Christmahanukwanzahka and all, so I decided that maybe he was right and I should share my new found "wealth." So I packaged a few of them up and went on my usual walk with Zoe.
Now, keep in mind that Miss Zoe and I have become somewhat of a staple around Midtown. The homeless folks in our hood call her that "greythound" or if they've forgotten due to their alcohol-induced stupor, they may ask, "what dog do dat be?" followed by, "right, right, dat dog be greythound!" My point is (and I do have one) is that they seemed to be comfortable enough with Zoe and I to accept our gift of Rum Balls.
As I was heading home, I had one more left and came across a guy at the CVS corner wrapped in a blanket. So, of course, I assumed he was the usual homeless CVS dude and I gave him one. The guy looks up at me and says,"What's this?" And so I explained that it was rum balls and blah blah blah. Well, he looked at me all weird and I felt sorta odd, so I said something like, "I'm sorry, but I don't take money with me when I walk the dog - this is all I have." and the dude replied, "I'M NOT HOMELESS!"
Nibs comes to grip with the reality that she's been sending mixed singals to the guy next door...
Anyone who has followed this blogsite for the past year is well aware that I have a wicked crush on my neighbor, whom I refer to as Mr. Blower-Offer (MBO).We’ve been out a few times, and I’ve had a great time every time we’ve gone out, but somehow the evening always ends in some kind of disappointment.Additionally, he’s been really great about offering to get together, and then has limited “follow-through” on his offer.
So, I demoted him to “neighbor” status and decided that I’d rather keep him around as a friend than lose him altogether.Honestly, I thought this feeling was mutual, so it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.
He invited me out several times to see this local band play, but I’ve declined every time as I didn’t want to get my hopes up only to be let down.Typical Nibs.
So last week he invited me to see a guy play an acoustic set at a local bar.Mind you, there were like 24 names on the list – Foxy and I joked that I at least got the “honorable mention” and that perhaps I should just suck it up and go.It was a Thursday night, and nobody else was able to join me, so I went.
MBO, of course, looked adorable.The guy singing was fantastic, the friends were all incredibly cool – it was a great night!One of the friends kept telling MBO how smart and funny and great I was – the guy was totally plugging me the whole night.But did Mr. Clueless get it?NO.
By , all of the friends had checked out.MBO and I stuck it out for a little bit – he said he had to babysit his artist (the guy is on his label) – so we sat and chatted for a bit.By , MBO did the “whoa, look at the time thing” and I took that as my cue to leave, and frankly, I wasn’t getting any kind of vibe that he was into me.What I’d really REALLY wanted to do was make out like school kids and have a really good reason to be late for work the next day.What really happened is that he walked me to my car I gave him a quick hug and got in my car (to be fair, it was freezing).To say I was disappointed would be an understatement, but at the same time, I was finally coming to grips with the fact that MBO and I were just neighbors.Nothing more.
So, we exchanged a few emails during the past week, all very shallow and silly, until he finally asked me out for a drink on Friday.No problem.I can have a drink with my very friendly neighbor.The emailing back and forth continued, and his tone started to get a little frisky - totally different message than the one I was getting just a week ago, which was a little stoic and distant.Of course, at this point I was thoroughly confused and decided that it was time to just spill my heart out and make my case.So I told him everything.I explained to him that I really like him, and that he brings out my very sassy side, and that there is something about him that lights a little fire inside of me every time I see him.I explained that I am completely frustrated that he keeps pushing me to the side, but that I continue to persevere because I hope that maybe one day things will change.I anxiously awaited the reply, wondering if I’d even get one.
And then I saw the reply in my inbox…
When I opened the email, I was completely surprised.Seems he’s not been the only one sending mixed signals.See, the night in the parking lot when he walked me to my car – well, it turns out that he went to kiss me but I turned my cheek.And after playing this over in my mind, I realize that he’s absolutely right.I totally did.God, I am a dumbass.
So, I rewind to our previous encounter – the one where we’re making out like schoolkids outside my condo gate.I am perfectly poised to invite him up and “for a nightcap,” but I say something like, “I’d invite you up, but I think we’d get ourselves in all sorts of trouble.”Of course, he agrees with this statement, so I psych myself out and say something about how late it is and bid him farewell.Again, can you say DUMBASS?
<<banging my head against the wall>>STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID
And it dawned on me that when there is something that I really, really want, I convince myself that I can’t have it and just subconsciously push it away.I guess I’d rather avoid it altogether than get rejected.Horrible defense mechanism to have, really.
So, we continued to exchange emails throughout the afternoon – each message solidifying the fact that we probably have a lot more in common that we previously thought, and both of us saying in plain English that we really just like each other.I swear, it was the biggest breakthrough since space travel.
And it turns out that the friend that was totally plugging me (the night we went to see the band) said something to him along the lines of, “So, what’s wrong with her?” which MBO says is basically his friend saying, “she’s cute and smart and funny and you’re an asshole for not asking her out.”Gotta love the friend!So, MBO says that the friend didn’t even know we were on a date that night, and I mention that I think that’s pretty funny because even I didn’t know we were on a date that night.I mean, I was on an email list with 23 other people, for chrissakes!
That said, MBO came up with a brilliant suggestion: stay in for tomorrow’s date instead of going out - take some time to get to know each other where there isn’t the pretension of a Midtown bar or interruption from other patrons.How could I argue with that suggestion?
So, wish me luck with this one (although I don’t think I’m going to need it), and I’ll keep my fingers crossed that my neighbor has more than just an obsession with the girl next door…